Trying to flip the baby

Our little baby was starting to show us tht given the worst odds, she would be the one to bet on. It is very rare that a baby flips in the last week of pregnancy. Even so, the "version" is successful 75% of the time to flip the baby back to the head down position. So, into the hospital we went, my husband holding my hand as a crew assembled to try to flip our dear child.

I've given birth twice. Once was completely natural, no drugs of any kind. The second birth was induced, but no pain meds of any kind. The pain associated with the version was right up there with the intense pain I've felt when each of my other two children crowned. The doctor, in a version, coats a pregnant tummy with slick gel, applies as much force as he (or she) thinks is necessary to coax the little baby into a head down position. In my case, my doctor was 200lb man, with hands that resembled bear paws. My wonderful midwife was there to help me, and my darling husband was there along with a team of nurses. All the audience in the world wouldn't have helped, because dear little Daisy was not going to turn. We then began to prepare ourselves, and our other children, for the following day, which was to be Daisy's birthday and my scheduled c-section.

That night, knowing that we would be preoccupied with my recovery and a new little baby, my husband took Carter out for a little one on one time. I was alone with our two little ones, who couldn't really understand what was to come. I spent some of the time writing a letter to my family. It sounds silly, but it was my "if the worst happens" letter. The thought of surgery scares me, but what scares me even more is the thought that my family would be without me. It's not that I think that they wouldn't be able to get through it, rather it is the thought that anything about me could cause them pain. I cried the whole time I wrote, thinking about the depths of my love for each of them. I recall writing to my daughter that she had my unsettled soul in her too - and with this uneasy spirit in her she would also witness some of the most astounding beauty in life. I wrote to my son, Teddy, to tell him who he was born with the easy going warm in his heart that his father possesses and how this warmth would be a comfort to all who knew him, but that he should be sure to take comfort in the warmth of others when he needed it. Of course, my words were, and are, more for my children when they are older and more mature - but they were the words that I long to say to them when they are grown, the words that I thought that they would need to hear from me - only I worried - because that's what I do - I worry - that something would go wrong and I wouldn't be able to be here when they were ready to hear these words. I still have the letter, safely tucked away in the hopes that there will never be a reason - at least not until they are old and gray themselves - to read it and I'll be able to tell them everything I think that they need to hear when they are older, and when they are ready to hear it.

My c-section was scheduled for the next day. We were due at the hospital at 9 am, at hoping that things would progress quickly and routinely. That night I kissed our two little ones goodnight, I prayed to God that he would continue to bless our family and I held my husband tight in our bed - the bed that I have come to know as our lifeboat in a sea of uncertainty.