Seeing Daisy

Once I was home I felt like a zombie. My parents in law came over to help with dinner and the kids. I felt numb and in a daze.

Tom and I decided to go to see Daisy on Sunday, the day I was originally scheduled to leave the hospital. It was nice to spend time together with just Tom, to talk about what was going on. Tom was, and is, my rock. He allowed me to break down and cry whenever I needed to - he cared for me like a child in some ways - which is exactly what I needed and craved, for someone to take care of me. For those who know me, this is not the "Sara" that everyone knows. I am always taking care of everyone else. I rarely accept help, I am always doing things on my own. Well, facing a tragedy changes a lot.

As we got to the hospital, deep anxiety set in and fear. What would Daisy look like now? We couldn't find a wheelchair anywhere, and walking the near 1/3 of mile to the 5th floor NICU was difficult because of the c-section. When we got to the doors of the NICU I felt my knees get rubbery and weak. I physically leaned on Tom.

After scrubbing our hands and arms, we walked into Daisy's bay that she shared with one other baby. It was light and bright and Daisy's nurse, Sandy was warm and welcoming. Daisy had tubes in her, and was weak and limp. I held her, and cried. My baby, my little baby girl was so little and so frail and weak. She did open her eyes once while we were there, and looked at me and then cried just a little. Given the initial diagnosis, and the state of our girl, I felt that she was destined to be with God. I just rocked and rocked her. The doctors made their rounds and talked to us, but there was no news. While we were there she had a heart ultrasound that showed two little holes in her heart. But these were not causing her any problem or issue. We didn't really know what the issue was, only that they suspected trisomy 18.

Even with all the uncertainty, and the fear, I could feel my heart grow with love for this little child that I carried inside me for nine months. This little life that we created - the little life that we would protect and honor.

Fastforwarding ahead, I have to write that today, this morning, Daisy is upstairs still asleep. She's not a trisomy 18. She's been home with us now for almost four weeks and is growing and growing and acting like a normal baby. Sorry to spoil the story - which I will finish but I can't allow anyone to wallow in the sadness that permeated our lives for over a week without giving a glimpse of what life is like now.